gallery of broken hearts

"I just want to be ok

be ok

be ok.

I just want to be ok today.

I just want to feel today

feel today

feel today.

I just want to feel something today.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.
I am beyond repair, let me be

and give me back my broken parts.

I just want to know today

know today

know today.

Know that maybe I will be ok."

-Ingrid Michaelson

I think about love a lot. it truly fascinates me.

I can't quite figure out if my view on love is cynical or wistful or melancholy or what. I can't really put my finger on it. I know I believe it is out there because I see it displayed in so many relationships around me, but it seems that full understanding kind of alludes my mind.

Even though its been a really long time since I have been in an actual relationship, I have done my fair share of dabbling in the dating world. And unfortunately sometimes it has been truly dumb dabbling. I think because of this, I approach relationships as doomed from the beginning...although I should really consider the sources of this view, I have kinda gotten into the "well, this has not worked in the past, its not gonna work again...but in the off chance that it could happen, I'll try, but not hard enough to actually make it work" mentality. Basically I am a scared little girl when it comes to love.

I can say that I have really only fallen in love once in my life...and the heartbreak that followed it has nearly destroyed me. It happened, so long ago, yet I am still trying to fully overcome it. When you put that much trust in someone for so long and invest a huge part of yourself in them and then they throw it back in your face and crush your heart, it basically demolishes your desire to get close to anyone ever again. It makes is easy to enter into surfacy, pointless relationships with boneheads because you know that they will not be able to get into your heart and you won't be hurt as bad when things end.

and then pretty soon you begin to lose all faith in falling in love. The purity of true love is tainted because even though you know that you haven't fallen in love with all the 'failed attempts' there is an element of rejection that goes along with each one. Another attempt where love did not conquer and heartache did. It begins to reinforce in your mind that love is not and will not be a reality for you. You can desire it all you want, but you begin to believe that it just won't happen.

It gets old after awhile and it is really easy to start to lose yourself in the process. It makes weddings a challenge to go to, because while you are ecstatic that people you care for are experiencing the wonderfulness of love, it is hard to avoid the ache of wanting it too. I am so thankful that so many of my friends are married and are crazy in love and demonstrate that love does still exist. I just get stuck thinking that I am behind the game and missed some memo on how to let people in and give myself a shot at true love.

it is going to take one special person to really get inside my heart. I am a tough cookie to conquer. I am super good at letting morons peek in the windows of my heart, but the moment they have potential, they can definitely expect the window to come slamming down on their fingers. The pain that I experienced from that one person was so intense that I have a hard time trusting anyone. That once they really know me, they will want to run and hide and get as far from me as possible. I need someone to pursue me, that way I know that its not me forcing them to be with me, but they truly want to know me. and want to be with me. and want to show me love.

I want my broken pieces back. I want to be ok. I know my heart will never be the same, but I want it to mend so it at least works again and will someday beat out the rhythm of love.