gallery of broken hearts

"I just want to be ok

be ok

be ok.

I just want to be ok today.

I just want to feel today

feel today

feel today.

I just want to feel something today.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.
I am beyond repair, let me be

and give me back my broken parts.

I just want to know today

know today

know today.

Know that maybe I will be ok."

-Ingrid Michaelson

I think about love a lot. it truly fascinates me.

I can't quite figure out if my view on love is cynical or wistful or melancholy or what. I can't really put my finger on it. I know I believe it is out there because I see it displayed in so many relationships around me, but it seems that full understanding kind of alludes my mind.

Even though its been a really long time since I have been in an actual relationship, I have done my fair share of dabbling in the dating world. And unfortunately sometimes it has been truly dumb dabbling. I think because of this, I approach relationships as doomed from the beginning...although I should really consider the sources of this view, I have kinda gotten into the "well, this has not worked in the past, its not gonna work again...but in the off chance that it could happen, I'll try, but not hard enough to actually make it work" mentality. Basically I am a scared little girl when it comes to love.

I can say that I have really only fallen in love once in my life...and the heartbreak that followed it has nearly destroyed me. It happened, so long ago, yet I am still trying to fully overcome it. When you put that much trust in someone for so long and invest a huge part of yourself in them and then they throw it back in your face and crush your heart, it basically demolishes your desire to get close to anyone ever again. It makes is easy to enter into surfacy, pointless relationships with boneheads because you know that they will not be able to get into your heart and you won't be hurt as bad when things end.

and then pretty soon you begin to lose all faith in falling in love. The purity of true love is tainted because even though you know that you haven't fallen in love with all the 'failed attempts' there is an element of rejection that goes along with each one. Another attempt where love did not conquer and heartache did. It begins to reinforce in your mind that love is not and will not be a reality for you. You can desire it all you want, but you begin to believe that it just won't happen.

It gets old after awhile and it is really easy to start to lose yourself in the process. It makes weddings a challenge to go to, because while you are ecstatic that people you care for are experiencing the wonderfulness of love, it is hard to avoid the ache of wanting it too. I am so thankful that so many of my friends are married and are crazy in love and demonstrate that love does still exist. I just get stuck thinking that I am behind the game and missed some memo on how to let people in and give myself a shot at true love.

it is going to take one special person to really get inside my heart. I am a tough cookie to conquer. I am super good at letting morons peek in the windows of my heart, but the moment they have potential, they can definitely expect the window to come slamming down on their fingers. The pain that I experienced from that one person was so intense that I have a hard time trusting anyone. That once they really know me, they will want to run and hide and get as far from me as possible. I need someone to pursue me, that way I know that its not me forcing them to be with me, but they truly want to know me. and want to be with me. and want to show me love.

I want my broken pieces back. I want to be ok. I know my heart will never be the same, but I want it to mend so it at least works again and will someday beat out the rhythm of love.

keep breathing.

"The storm is coming
but I don't mind

People are dying,

I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world

Instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more

than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing;

All I can do is keep breathing;

All we can do is keep breathing now"

-Ingrid Michaelson

Inhale.

It is kinda hard to live when you do not breathe.

I know...that statement was genius. beyond genius actually.

but really, its true. basically, in order to take part in life, one needs to breathe. One can survive for a time without food, without water. But without air intake...well, you're screwed.

For me right now, I guess breathing is really the only constant I have. It kinda of feels like at bare minimum, as long as I keep breathing, I will survive until the next breath. There is so much to life that I want to embrace but I sometimes feel like I can not quite get there...but as long as I keep breathing, the option to live a fuller life still exisits.

I have been listening to this Ingrid Michaelson song for about a week straight now and I constantly feel like she somehow wire tapped my heart, took how I am feeling and wrote the song. Especially the line about saving the world but instead choosing sleep. I am beyond exhausted right now. My priorities at the moment involve 1.) sleeping, 2.) sleeping and 3.) putting on chapstick (don't judge...my lips are dry). Sometime I am blown away that I make it through the whole day awake. But even in my exhausted state, my dreams and passions still are fully alive in my heart and soul. This creates a crazy tension because I know what I want...but I do not do it. I cannot even fathom attempting to do it. It is so disheartening for me because I feel like I am failing and missing out on living life to the fullest. I hate having limitations. And the frustration makes me want to shut down, turn off my dreams of saving the world and just exist with no purpose. To fall into simply being a breathing lump of skin and bones with no direction or desire.

But I cannot. The thought of being content with the mundane is just ew.

So I keep breathing. Keep taking the next breath so I have another opportunity to take the world by its horns and shake it up a bit. Keep taking the next breath so I can a world that is so much bigger than me.

Exhale.

well put Kanye, well put

"let me know, do i still got time to grow

things aint always set in stone

That be known, let me know.

Seems like streetlights

glowing
happened to be just like moments passing,

in front of me

so I hopped in, the cab
and I paid my fare,

see I know my, destination

but I'm just not there"

-Kanye West

Happiness is a dangerous place to be. In the moment, when all is sunshine and utter bliss, words can not even beging to articulate what it feels like. Its almost as if trying to put words on the experience would rob it off its purity. Simply basking in it, taking a breath to bring it all in, is the only way to appreciate what happiness offers. It is offering us hope. and beauty. the magical sense that this is bigger than oneself.

Having those experiences heightens the tragedy that occurs when the state of euphoria is gone.

Its hurts. There is no other way to describe it. It makes me want to never experience happiness again simply because its absense feels unbearable. Everything in my being wants to defend my heart and soul from this loss that I contemplate becoming a shell of a person, avoiding feelings altogether. The sad times, then, are not quite as sad and the happy times are not quite as happy. But then I am able to function. I may not be functioning well, but I am able to survive.

But having lived a life that was richer than basic survival creates tension that does not allow complacency to be the norm. I know what its like to have more. I know what its like be alive. To breathe in the moment and burst from the fullness of it all.

that's my destination.

but I am just not there.