oh life.

"Mind is a razor blade"

-The Knives

I wrote this in my journal a year ago...funny how cyclical life is:

"Something beautiful has taken shape in my heart.

it flies, it floats...but has no place to land.

A rhythmic hope that each breath I take is not in vain

a beat, a dance, a vibrant flow of life.

But I hold onto what keeps me down

a doubt, a fear...it is tough to break free.

I shy away because I do not want to fail

I dream, I sigh...I slowly become numb."

Life is crushing. the mind truly is a razorblade.

keep faith.

"Even when your hope is gone,

Even when you’re barely holding on,

If there’s anything that I’m sure of

I know that we were made for love.

So if you start to break,

Keep faith,

Keep faith.

When the days drag on

And you’re barely breathing,

Searching for a light...

...Keep faith

Keep faith."

- Matt Wertz

1 year. 18 days.

I do not even know what that means. I do not even know if I want to know what it means. There has been struggle. And surrender. And doubts. And more doubts. And even less clarity. I am exhausted with this journey. It hurts my heart.

"There are things no one knows

and they beg to be exposed.

But those words never come.

to unlock the place in which they are hiding from.

I'm no saint, I've got my share of downfalls."

- Justin Branam

I love that I know brilliant song writers.

For whatever reason, these lyrics have hit a nerve with me. Everyday, when I go to work, I sit with kids, who for 40 minutes out of the day they get the chance to be vulnerable. To say whatever they want to say, free of judgement, free of pointing fingers. They are given the chance to be who they are with no apologies or pretenses. By being given that safe place, I have seen these kids grow and become more real as the weeks go on. And I love them even more for that.

And I also envy them to the fullest.

I long for the opportunity to completely vulnerable...to be completely real to the point where I am exposed. Which is so weird for me, because I win the gold medal for the fasted exit when things become intimate. I do not trust people or let them in. I can count on one hand the number of people who I have been able to fully confide in, which to some extent is healthy because not everyone needs to up in my business...but I have to really despise the fact that if I was really honest about who I am, I would be judged and labeled. The good choices I have made are automatically outweighed by the perceived "innappropriate" choices. My choices have shaped who I am, but ultimately they do not define me. I refuse to be catalogued by the past. Because ultimately, I am who I am, and I will not apologize for that. I may be reckless and make decisions that not everyone may agree with or support, but that is my decision. And I have learned from each one that I have made, both good and bad. I love the person that I have grown into because I have learned that at the end of the day, that is what matters; not what people are telling me I should be. They do not live my life; they have no idea what I see and hear and experience on a daily basis. I have a dynamic and large life...I will not settle to appease.

I love who I am.

Breakdown pt.1

"Are you in or are you out?

leave your things behind, 'cause it's all going off without you.

Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy;

these mishaps,

you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

So let go, jump in,

oh well, whatcha waiting for;

it's alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

So let go, just get in,

oh, it's so amazing here;

It's alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

-Frou Frou

Life blows my mind sometimes. I had an interesting conversation the other day about life and what we do and what we say and what we choose not to say. A little backgroud:

basically, as I dive deeper into social work, I am constantly exposed to a very ugly and broken world. Whether it be in the classroom watching videos and hearing lectures or working directly with clients, there are so many instances of victimization and people simply acting out of the brokeness in their lives. I have been starting to become very discouraged by the state of the world and how systemic so many of our world's problems are. While people are ultimately responsible for their individual reactions and behaviors, so much of it is manifesting from a bigger, environmental picture. There is no quick, bandaid fix to this. And me, being the control freak that I am, get stressed and overwhelmed at all the looming issues in the world. When I learn things and hear things firsthand, I ultimately have to do something with this knowledge because I am no longer ignorant. And as much as I long for the ignorant days when my biggest issue was what Barbie was going to wear to prom and if Ken's outfit was going to clash with her fabulous pink convertable, the reality is that I can not walk away from the information that I learn and the stories I hear. My heart is broken time and time again.

Its almost like the book "The Giver" (if you have never read it, stop reading this and get on it right now. it is amazing). Essentially, the story details how one man in this peaceful community has taken upon himself all the feelings and experiences (both good and bad) of the people in order to spare them pain. As the man gets older, he must pass these memories onto the next "receiver". As he begins to transfer everything that he has taken on himself, the new receiver begins to feel the impact and burden of carrying such load, while the "giver" feels lighter and lighter.

Sometimes that is how I visualize social work. In order for people to receive healing and relief, they unload everything onto someone else. Which is totally healthy and necessary and everyone should have a safe place in their own life that they can do this. However, what happens to the person who has just absorbed all the pain? This is not stuff you just forgot and walk away from. This is someone's personal pain that you now have heard and taken on, whether you wanted to or not. Most people would be lying if they said the could simply walk away from and forget about, I do not know, some story of child abuse or something along that vein.

So, the conversation: My friend and I (both of us work in some sort of helping profession) were discussing the implications of all of this. We both had been given some time off of work in order to recoup and attempt to stay alive in our situations, and we both were keenly aware of how our work was impacting our stress levels and ability to emotionally function. This led to examining how, on top of all that we hear, we are still trying to deal with all of our own shit and our own brokeness. But it is hard to show our weaknesses and struggles, because those who are looking to us for 'help' see us as strong and need us to be that pillar for them. It makes it challenging to be emotional responsible in my own life, because I end up internalizing WAY too much. I know this kind of sounds like a messiah complex - that it is up to me to save the world - but I really do not think that is the case. It is very hard for me to fully articulate my thoughts on this because it is something that impacts the depths of my soul. This is an intensely personal issue for me and my overly empathic heart.

There is much more to this thought process and path, but even thinking about this small portion has exhausted both my brain and heart. that is the beauty of a blog. it has a save button.

gallery of broken hearts

"I just want to be ok

be ok

be ok.

I just want to be ok today.

I just want to feel today

feel today

feel today.

I just want to feel something today.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.
I am beyond repair, let me be

and give me back my broken parts.

I just want to know today

know today

know today.

Know that maybe I will be ok."

-Ingrid Michaelson

I think about love a lot. it truly fascinates me.

I can't quite figure out if my view on love is cynical or wistful or melancholy or what. I can't really put my finger on it. I know I believe it is out there because I see it displayed in so many relationships around me, but it seems that full understanding kind of alludes my mind.

Even though its been a really long time since I have been in an actual relationship, I have done my fair share of dabbling in the dating world. And unfortunately sometimes it has been truly dumb dabbling. I think because of this, I approach relationships as doomed from the beginning...although I should really consider the sources of this view, I have kinda gotten into the "well, this has not worked in the past, its not gonna work again...but in the off chance that it could happen, I'll try, but not hard enough to actually make it work" mentality. Basically I am a scared little girl when it comes to love.

I can say that I have really only fallen in love once in my life...and the heartbreak that followed it has nearly destroyed me. It happened, so long ago, yet I am still trying to fully overcome it. When you put that much trust in someone for so long and invest a huge part of yourself in them and then they throw it back in your face and crush your heart, it basically demolishes your desire to get close to anyone ever again. It makes is easy to enter into surfacy, pointless relationships with boneheads because you know that they will not be able to get into your heart and you won't be hurt as bad when things end.

and then pretty soon you begin to lose all faith in falling in love. The purity of true love is tainted because even though you know that you haven't fallen in love with all the 'failed attempts' there is an element of rejection that goes along with each one. Another attempt where love did not conquer and heartache did. It begins to reinforce in your mind that love is not and will not be a reality for you. You can desire it all you want, but you begin to believe that it just won't happen.

It gets old after awhile and it is really easy to start to lose yourself in the process. It makes weddings a challenge to go to, because while you are ecstatic that people you care for are experiencing the wonderfulness of love, it is hard to avoid the ache of wanting it too. I am so thankful that so many of my friends are married and are crazy in love and demonstrate that love does still exist. I just get stuck thinking that I am behind the game and missed some memo on how to let people in and give myself a shot at true love.

it is going to take one special person to really get inside my heart. I am a tough cookie to conquer. I am super good at letting morons peek in the windows of my heart, but the moment they have potential, they can definitely expect the window to come slamming down on their fingers. The pain that I experienced from that one person was so intense that I have a hard time trusting anyone. That once they really know me, they will want to run and hide and get as far from me as possible. I need someone to pursue me, that way I know that its not me forcing them to be with me, but they truly want to know me. and want to be with me. and want to show me love.

I want my broken pieces back. I want to be ok. I know my heart will never be the same, but I want it to mend so it at least works again and will someday beat out the rhythm of love.

keep breathing.

"The storm is coming
but I don't mind

People are dying,

I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world

Instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more

than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing;

All I can do is keep breathing;

All we can do is keep breathing now"

-Ingrid Michaelson

Inhale.

It is kinda hard to live when you do not breathe.

I know...that statement was genius. beyond genius actually.

but really, its true. basically, in order to take part in life, one needs to breathe. One can survive for a time without food, without water. But without air intake...well, you're screwed.

For me right now, I guess breathing is really the only constant I have. It kinda of feels like at bare minimum, as long as I keep breathing, I will survive until the next breath. There is so much to life that I want to embrace but I sometimes feel like I can not quite get there...but as long as I keep breathing, the option to live a fuller life still exisits.

I have been listening to this Ingrid Michaelson song for about a week straight now and I constantly feel like she somehow wire tapped my heart, took how I am feeling and wrote the song. Especially the line about saving the world but instead choosing sleep. I am beyond exhausted right now. My priorities at the moment involve 1.) sleeping, 2.) sleeping and 3.) putting on chapstick (don't judge...my lips are dry). Sometime I am blown away that I make it through the whole day awake. But even in my exhausted state, my dreams and passions still are fully alive in my heart and soul. This creates a crazy tension because I know what I want...but I do not do it. I cannot even fathom attempting to do it. It is so disheartening for me because I feel like I am failing and missing out on living life to the fullest. I hate having limitations. And the frustration makes me want to shut down, turn off my dreams of saving the world and just exist with no purpose. To fall into simply being a breathing lump of skin and bones with no direction or desire.

But I cannot. The thought of being content with the mundane is just ew.

So I keep breathing. Keep taking the next breath so I have another opportunity to take the world by its horns and shake it up a bit. Keep taking the next breath so I can a world that is so much bigger than me.

Exhale.

well put Kanye, well put

"let me know, do i still got time to grow

things aint always set in stone

That be known, let me know.

Seems like streetlights

glowing
happened to be just like moments passing,

in front of me

so I hopped in, the cab
and I paid my fare,

see I know my, destination

but I'm just not there"

-Kanye West

Happiness is a dangerous place to be. In the moment, when all is sunshine and utter bliss, words can not even beging to articulate what it feels like. Its almost as if trying to put words on the experience would rob it off its purity. Simply basking in it, taking a breath to bring it all in, is the only way to appreciate what happiness offers. It is offering us hope. and beauty. the magical sense that this is bigger than oneself.

Having those experiences heightens the tragedy that occurs when the state of euphoria is gone.

Its hurts. There is no other way to describe it. It makes me want to never experience happiness again simply because its absense feels unbearable. Everything in my being wants to defend my heart and soul from this loss that I contemplate becoming a shell of a person, avoiding feelings altogether. The sad times, then, are not quite as sad and the happy times are not quite as happy. But then I am able to function. I may not be functioning well, but I am able to survive.

But having lived a life that was richer than basic survival creates tension that does not allow complacency to be the norm. I know what its like to have more. I know what its like be alive. To breathe in the moment and burst from the fullness of it all.

that's my destination.

but I am just not there.