Breakdown pt.1

"Are you in or are you out?

leave your things behind, 'cause it's all going off without you.

Excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy;

these mishaps,

you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

So let go, jump in,

oh well, whatcha waiting for;

it's alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

So let go, just get in,

oh, it's so amazing here;

It's alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

-Frou Frou

Life blows my mind sometimes. I had an interesting conversation the other day about life and what we do and what we say and what we choose not to say. A little backgroud:

basically, as I dive deeper into social work, I am constantly exposed to a very ugly and broken world. Whether it be in the classroom watching videos and hearing lectures or working directly with clients, there are so many instances of victimization and people simply acting out of the brokeness in their lives. I have been starting to become very discouraged by the state of the world and how systemic so many of our world's problems are. While people are ultimately responsible for their individual reactions and behaviors, so much of it is manifesting from a bigger, environmental picture. There is no quick, bandaid fix to this. And me, being the control freak that I am, get stressed and overwhelmed at all the looming issues in the world. When I learn things and hear things firsthand, I ultimately have to do something with this knowledge because I am no longer ignorant. And as much as I long for the ignorant days when my biggest issue was what Barbie was going to wear to prom and if Ken's outfit was going to clash with her fabulous pink convertable, the reality is that I can not walk away from the information that I learn and the stories I hear. My heart is broken time and time again.

Its almost like the book "The Giver" (if you have never read it, stop reading this and get on it right now. it is amazing). Essentially, the story details how one man in this peaceful community has taken upon himself all the feelings and experiences (both good and bad) of the people in order to spare them pain. As the man gets older, he must pass these memories onto the next "receiver". As he begins to transfer everything that he has taken on himself, the new receiver begins to feel the impact and burden of carrying such load, while the "giver" feels lighter and lighter.

Sometimes that is how I visualize social work. In order for people to receive healing and relief, they unload everything onto someone else. Which is totally healthy and necessary and everyone should have a safe place in their own life that they can do this. However, what happens to the person who has just absorbed all the pain? This is not stuff you just forgot and walk away from. This is someone's personal pain that you now have heard and taken on, whether you wanted to or not. Most people would be lying if they said the could simply walk away from and forget about, I do not know, some story of child abuse or something along that vein.

So, the conversation: My friend and I (both of us work in some sort of helping profession) were discussing the implications of all of this. We both had been given some time off of work in order to recoup and attempt to stay alive in our situations, and we both were keenly aware of how our work was impacting our stress levels and ability to emotionally function. This led to examining how, on top of all that we hear, we are still trying to deal with all of our own shit and our own brokeness. But it is hard to show our weaknesses and struggles, because those who are looking to us for 'help' see us as strong and need us to be that pillar for them. It makes it challenging to be emotional responsible in my own life, because I end up internalizing WAY too much. I know this kind of sounds like a messiah complex - that it is up to me to save the world - but I really do not think that is the case. It is very hard for me to fully articulate my thoughts on this because it is something that impacts the depths of my soul. This is an intensely personal issue for me and my overly empathic heart.

There is much more to this thought process and path, but even thinking about this small portion has exhausted both my brain and heart. that is the beauty of a blog. it has a save button.